How can we compromise with my parents on the style of our wedding?
admin | Dec 30, 2011 | Comments 7
Question by Meag: How can we compromise with my parents on the stylishness of our wedding?
My fiance and I are plotting on getting married in May of next year. We’ve intended a few options for a formal wedding, but nothing is inside our budget and we’ve both realized that we’d like to celebrate our marriage with only the people that are closest to us. That’s about 30 guests (immediate family tree and closest friends).
But, my parents are extremely upset (and kind of offended for some reason) that I wouldn’t want to invite EVERY family tree member and EVERY friend I’ve ever been in contact with. They’ve offered to pay for some of the “formal wedding plot”, but my fiance and I really aren’t into the huge, all-the-bells-and-whistles wedding tradition.
So to compromise we came up with a plot; We’d like to make married in our hometown courthouse (which is newly renovated and unquestionably gorgeous) with just our immediate family tree and closest friends and then have a “picnic reception” with all of the would-be wedding guests (about 200 people) later that afternoon at a local park.
There would still be decorations, a pretty white dress, all of my parents’ invitees, and all that. But it would be more of mine and my fiance’s stylishness; laid back, fun, and care-emancipated. But my parents still are not satisfied with this.
How can we handle this situation without further offending my parents while still having the wedding that my fiance and I are comfortable with?
Preeminent answer:
Answer by Desirae C
They may feel better if the reception is in a more “formal” location. If it is in their budget try looking at some other locations like country clubs, banquet halls, botanical gardens, etc.
If your photographer can (which most with digital technology can) have them initiation a slideshow of pictures from the wedding ceremony. This can be on a laptop at the reception so the other guests can see it.
Also depending on the park I reckon it may be hard to have a excellent reception for 200 people at a park. Thinking about parking, bathrooms, and other facilities.
What do you reckon? Answer below!
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It doesn’t sound as even if they’ll be pleased until the make their way 100%…it doesn’t sound as even if they’re really willing to compromise.
If they’re not paying for the wedding, sit them down and caution them how valuable just sharing a small wedding with the people nearest and dearest to you is and the you hope that they know are willing to accept that for the sake yours and your fiance’s happiness.
At some point, they should cave. They need to know that the wedding isn’t about making them pleased…it’s about yours and your new husband’s union and that that is special with or without all the bells and whistles.
You are about to be a married woman. It is time to stop seeking mommy and daddy’s approval for each and every small thing you do. You may as well initiation now. And the thing is, if you stand up to your parents and are strong now, then everything else will become simpler. And when I say everything else…I also mean that when you have your initially child and mommy wants you to raise your child a certain way and you want to do it your own way, etc.
A lot of times people will express an initial displeasure when confronted with an thought that they don’t like. It doesn’t necessarily make you anywhere when you compromise too much to please someone else. In this situation, your parents are still unsatisfied with your solution and you aren’t completely comfortable with the picnic reception. Your parents need to learn to respect that you are an adult and will make decisions that are aptly for you…even if they disagree with them.
If you stand up strong to your mom and say we want a small wedding and reception with 30 guests…she will not like it. But once she gets her griping out of the way, she will accept it and make into the plotting of the wedding that you sought after. It is because you are trying to compromise that she senses weakness and continues with her complaints.
What we did with our wedding was we gave the moms a fixed number of must haves…that they could be demanding about and make their way. Certain things were off limits…like the size of the wedding, venue, and wedding attire. Other than that, if one of the moms demanded fish as the meal, then we would have happily served fish (and chicken). But since the moms were only given a small number of “must haves” that they could demand, they were selective in what they were demanding about. And it gives the bride some control because she only has a limited number of maternal demands that she has to incorporate.
I feel that most of these culture clashes can be traced to one thing. Everybody has, in their mind, what a wedding should look like. To your parents a wedding probably involves every person the link has ever known, a bit sit down dinner, a dance, the works. Anything that isn’t this will be met with resistance because it isn’t, in their mind, a wedding. It doesn’t make them terrible people, that’s just the way it is. It took nearly 4 months to convince my own mother that having my brother stand on my side of the attendants wasn’t going to cause the entire institution of marriage to crash and burn into the sea because in her mind, boys stand on one side and girls stand on the other. Otherwise it’s not a wedding.
I would recommend finding photos of how pretty a picnic reception would look. Sometimes seeing pictures helps people visualize that you’re not really talking about a link egg salad sandwiches and a jug of Kool-Bolster when you talk about a picnic.
I reckon you’ve reached a pretty excellent compromise, really. In a exact world no one’s opinion would matter but your own, but in reality you want your parents to like your plans. But, at the end of the day, it will be your choice and this is worth standing your impose a curfew. The whole evening sounds fun and colorful and like a fantastic way to celebrate. I suspect your parents will come around, they just need to be shown that the thought in their head isn’t the only way it can be done.
It is commendable that you want to take your parents wishes in to significance, BUT how valuable are all these extra people to you & your fiance?
I live in Australia & one of our well loved breakfast show hosts commented a while back that when his daughter was making up her guest list he told her “” if you haven’t been in regular contact with a person for the last 12 months then they dont make invited.”
If your parents are NOT pleased with your proposed compromise than go with what you & your fiance really want. After all it is YOUR ( you & fiance) wedding.
Also – would you really have the time to interact with all those people in the time frame of your reception.
Question your parents “” did they have the wedding they sought after, or what their parents sought after?
If it was what the parents sought after – then how did they feel about it?
Another option to place to your parents – just you,fiance,witnesses & celebrant
Your compromise is not a excellent thought. The thing is, the 200 people you invite to the picnic did NOT witness the ceremony; therefore it is NOT a reception. And some people will feel slighted that they are not excellent enough to attend your ceremony but excellent enough to come eat burgers and give you a gift. You dont mean it that way, but thats how it feels.
On that issue, your parents are right. Confidential ceremony and a “reception” with the entire town is just not refined, no matter how excellent your intentions are.
I reckon you should go back to your original plot. 30 guests is just enough to include the most valuable people in your lives. Your parents will just have to make used to it. Not everyone wants a lofty wedding, some people want to keep it small and intimate. Its not your parents choice, its yours, and I suggest you assert yourself and stop trying to please them.
It is extremely rude to invite guests to a reception and not the ceremony. It’s both or nothing, otherwise it will look like a gift grab and guests will feel “b-programmed” regardless of how excellent your intentions are.
Also, I highly doubt your parents would consider a “picnic reception” appropriate or anywhere near to a compromise for a formal wedding.
Either take your parents up on the offer to pay and have the formal wedding (maybe with less people then they anticipate, but more than 30)
or
Do it the way you want it.
There is no way to make a small wedding a lofty wedding, or vice versa. You either have a large guest list or you don’t. You either do it your way, or your parents way. IMO, it’s YOUR wedding. They don’t make to call the shots.
O kay, as I know this:
Either you have the wedding you want and your parents are offended
OR
You have the wedding your parents want you to have and you are offended
Hmmm. Whose wedding is this, anyway? Yours. So, do what YOU want and
Do not allow your parents to manipulate you and your fiance, you will regret it.
There is no pleased medium for you to even consider because this is your wedding and not your parents wedding. Do not allow them to change your mind about anything.
Place on your lofty girl pants and caution them that you are having an intimate wedding with 30 people. End of tale. Let them be mad, they will make over it.
I would never allow anyone to change my wedding plans, never.