How would you feel if your spouse did this?
admin | Dec 05, 2010 | Comments 23
Question by Mom of E: How would you feel if your spouse did this?
My husband grew up in a very very poor household-on purpose. His family tree didn’t believe in going out to eat, manslaughter money on things. They cut coupons, patched up ancient clothes, bought used, re-used what they could when they could. If they didn’t have the cash to buy it, it didn’t make bought. No credit cards, no debt, period. So, this carried over into our marriage. I have slowly over the years, tried to convert to this lifestyle(I grew up in a credit card invested, spent $ 100s at Christmas, buy $ 100s of worth of clothes for the school year, don’t recylce, and so on and so on household).
I buy the children’s clothes and mine second hand. I buy their toys second hand-when I do buy a touch, it’s usually under $ 5. I don’t make my hair cut, make my nails done, don’t go to the mall, don’t go to the tanning beds, don’t buy anything for myself EVER apart from the occasional book. We don’t go out to eat more then 2 a month. I don’t buy DVD’s or CD’s for the kids onless they are at Goodwill. I pinch pennies as much as I can at the grocery store. I don’t even own a pair of high heels. I reckon I have about 4 dresses total. I have decorated a pretty lofty household from buys from Lofty Lots, yardsales, and Thrift stores. I don’t reckon I own a single thing in my closet that was more then $ 15. I don’t buy purses, make my nails done. I sacrifice everything that I can for the excellent of the family tree. So far, every time a bill comes in the mail, I make a lecture about “watching the budget”, spending less, saving more…… I feel like a teenager every month… Yes, I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he says he doesn’t mean to make me feel terrible.
By me sacrificing and working so hard on saving for the family tree we had a tidy nest egg in our savings account and I am able to stay at home with the children, which is what we’ve always discussed. My husband has always had a thing for muscle cars, I knew that going into the marriage. He’s owned several over the years. He recently started talking about purchasing another one. I told him I didn’t reckon it was honest, the sacrifices I’ve made weren’t simple for me, but I did it for the family tree. Long tale fleeting, I came home from vacation out of state at my sister’s household(she had her 2nd baby). There was a muscle car in the garage! I’ve talked with my husband for months telling him how it would hurt me if he bought another car, how it wasn’t honest that since he was working he could spend the money. I’ve talked until I was blue in the face and the tears had swollen my eyes.
I can’t believe it! He took out $ 23k out of our savings and bought a muscle car. We just paid cash for a used minivan that half the stuff doesn’t even work so we wouldn’t have to finance anything. I haven’t had my hair cut in over 5 months(he gets his cut every month). I don’t even own a pair of shorts-ALL TO SAVE MONEY FOR OUR FAMILY-TO PAY FOR COLLEGE, CARS, WEDDINGS!
So, how would you feel if your spouse did this to you? Thankfulness for letting me vent.
EDIT: I don’t know what it’s called. It’s that small 2 seater car that the man wrecks into the wall on Terrible Boys(the initially one).
Preeminent answer:
Answer by Q & A King XXII
depends… what kind of muscle car?
Edit: a cobra? well then it depends. If it is a real one with a 427 side oiler then that was a fantastic price and a real investment. If it is a 283 or a replica…. still not too terrible, but no 427.
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wow, that is horrible!
if you like somebody, you do make sacrifices… but not this much! it is not honest how you are not allowed to do all these things, and he is.
girl, go out and do what you like to do! buy some expensive shoes, buy nice clothes, and make a hair cut!
PISSED!!!
and he would be too, after he learned that it’d be 23THOUSAND days before he gets an opportunity at making another baby with me!!!
no seriously, i’d talk to him about how i feel and let him know how selfish he’s being. i’d cut him off of all the small things he likes about me until he learned that in order to like me, he must also respect me.
WHOA! Wit a second? You buy the occasional book? place on’t you have a library where you live? That could be emancipated book borrowing you know.
There are no terms. None. Even without the frugality and lectures, if my husband spent that kind of money without my expressed agreement….
I might send the kids to their grandparents household 3 states away just to make sure they couldn’t hear me “talking” to their father.
wow he sounds completely selfish and if things didn’t change it sounds like you could do it on your own and you may want to consider that
I’m not married – never have been….but I’d be LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!
I’d consider instruction him some sort of lesson.
I don’t know you can go have a nice Spa day, since he got to buy a muscle car. Go make your hair cut, nails done & buy a pair of shorts!! There is nothing he can do once you’ve already spent the money.
And…if he has a problem with it?? Just throw the 23K Muscle Car back in his face!!
WHAT AN A**HOLE!!!
Oh yeah, and the whole “he gets to spend the money bc he makes it” – That’s exact and utter BS. How about the detail that you cook the food & make the home? How would he feel if you told him he couldn’t have any dinner, because you’re the one who made it. Or how about if you told him he can’t sleep in your bed…because you’re the one who makes it!! Load of froggin TOSH!
Some times you have to be carefull of what you spend.
In your case you are going to have to say enough is enough and place your foot down!
Yes I’d be very mad. You do have reason to be mad. But I also grew up like your husband, poor. So when I do have extra cash, I tend to splurge. Sometimes I’d upset through all my money. While that’s no excuse for your husband, try to see why he did it. Talk to him. Some dealerships let you return the car after a certain amount of days without hurting your credit.
Initially off, you say you are a SAHM… so your sacrifices are because someone else is supporting you while you do not work. Keep that in mind before complaining. If you had a job I would take your opinion into account more, but all the things you complain about having because they are cheap, you DIDN’T pay for.
Now then, 23K is a lot to take out of savings without consulting the other, but again, unless you helped earn the money, it isn’t your money. Would I be p*ssed it got taken out of savings? H3ll yes. But my savings account is half money I place in it.
wow that is evil. initiation to talk split. JUST TO SCARE HIM. he needs to know how excellent he has it with you.
Oh my goodness. Wow what a heck of a thing to find out when you got home. I am so sorry.
I reckon this is a lofty deal. And honestly I would caution him that he needs to sell it today. Marriage is partnership. A partnership where you both make the choices. And clearly he chose to make an valuable choice without you.
And if he doesn’t sell the car then insist on marriage therapy. I honestly reckon this might be just terrible as cheating. He is being selfish. He is putting his wants completely ahead of yours. And really he basically lied to you. Because he did it behind your back.
This is a lofty deal. place on’t let him or anyone else caution you it isn’t. I hope you can work it out and I hope he mans up and sells the car.
== goodness that SAHM comment from the previous poster. Clearly that person doesn’t have a clue. Do they not know how much childcare costs? Do they not have a clue what a cleaning service and going out to eat costs for a family tree? A SAHM mom may not make money. But they save tons of money each month. Your money is the amount you take in and you take out. Not just your earnings. Goodness that was offensive to say that SAHM doesn’t earn money!
pissed
Lay it out for him, if he wants to buy fix and sell for a PROFIT
they he can have “his”money to do that
BUT
this is “FAMILY MONEY” and that is used for family tree stuff
I would open tariff advantaged accounts like an IRA and college saving plans, and initiation dumping money into that, it takes a very limited number of circumstances to make money out without paying HEFTY penalties and it forces you to house it be.
You can also take the money and place it in a trust for the children.
make the point that this is OUR money and he should save some of HIS money for stuff like this.
I’d be extremely mad. He talks the talk but obviously isn’t willing to walk the walk. And frankly it sounds to me like he doesn’t really respect you.
He obviously doesn’t place your needs and desires on the same level as his (he gets a haircut every month, you make one twice a year? You make ZERO in terms of clothes, shoes, things YOU want and need, he gets MULTIPLE hugely expensive toys whenever he feels like it?). He even went BEHIND YOUR BACK to buy these toys AFTER you explicitly questioned him not to?
Is this really the kind of life you want for yourself and your children? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for them – you (and your kids!) making every sacrifice, scraping by on pennies, just so Daddy can upset those hard-earned savings on shiny things for himself and himself alone?
Why are you still with him? Talk to a split lawyer.
Wow, i don’t even know what to say. You don’t need to live your life like this, what are you saving for? Having thousands in your savings is incredible, you should do ALL the things you want. Tomorrow you should go to the mall, make designer outfits, make your hair done, buy new make up, make new shoes, meet up with friends for lunch and go cinema. That wouldn’t come close to the cost of a muscle car.
Life is way too fleeting to be this strict with money. Whats the point earning money if you cant have fun with it.
You don’t wanna end up on your death bed with nothing but a load of savings, you need to initiation fun memorys,
Not remember about unnecessary sacrifices! You deserve to relax and have fun, you know you deserve it.
I would feel like going to split court. What are you waiting for?
i would be pissed off and question why i am married to such a selfish man!
Sounds like you guys need a different financial agreement from what you currently have. You need “your” money, money you can spend on anything you want, with no questions questioned. One sure-fire way to have “your” money is to be working and making money. If you’re not working, you and your husband need to agree on a sum of money that will go into your account every month as your spending money. And no, anything you buy for the kids would not be coming out of “your” money.
Unfortunately, the combination of your husband being unreasonably frugal and him feeling completely entitled to the money he makes, with no significance for your feelings on the matter, will make life with him very hard until you’re working and making money yourself.
I would be dreadfully mad and would let him know about. It doesn’t make ANY DIFFERENCE that he is the sole bread winner. According to the our LAWS, the wife is entitled to HALF of what the husband makes. Wives WORK at home. If your husband doesn’t believe this, don’t do ANY of your normal things and let him cook, clean and take care of the children occasionally. PLEASE don’t believe that guilt trip about him making all the money. You are sacrificing more than most people would. I know you are doing it out of like for your family tree and that is commendable, BUT HE IS NOT sacrificing in ANY way for you. HE WORKS….SO WHAT?? EVEN IF HE WASN’T MARRIED TO YOU, HE WOULD STILL HAVE TO WORK TO PAY RENT, FOOD, UTILITIES, ETC, FOR HIMSELF…..RIGHT? It STILL amazes me that guys use that age ancient excuse of “I work, you don’t so the money is all mine”…..NOT!
place on’t believe his bull, Sweetie. He is just being a bully to you.
I would be pissed…initially off you are married and he made a financial choice without discussing it with you which is incorrect on so many levels…two you are really aptly that you have sacrificed a lot to live according to his lifestyle which is really unfair. If I were you I’d reckon I’d go make my hair, hand and feet done and take a trip to the tanning bed. Sounds like you are due and he can’t say a freaking word about it.
This really sucks hun! i’m so sorry.
Wow, I can’t even fathom how I would feel as Sr. would never ever pull a touch like that. We run all buys by each other prior to them being made, always… I guess my 1st feeling would be hurt, ran over as a wife since he did not even show you the respect of talking it over with you. I am sorry
I did nearly all of this with my initially marriage, I REGRET every minute of it. the looser cheated and gave the whore a lot of the money the kids were supposed to have loved, and heck, yes, me too. But I never loved any of it. So delight in the money now, be smart, save for the kids, but live today for what it is.
I would be so pissed! My partner is also excellent at doing things like this sometimes…he has a 1959 truck that he is restoring and there are times where I could really use a new pair of shoes or even just a haircut but I don’t make them and he runs out and gets a section or tool needed for the job…and it also comes out of our savings.
My common-law husband also grew up poor so he can be really resourceful but I reckon because he has money now he just gets excited and buys stuff we don’t need once in a while…because he wants it, but I really need a touch and I feel like I have to go without or beg and plead.
I know how you feel…and I make really annoyed as well!
If he’s the one making the money then he can spend it anyway he chooses. While I agree that buying a new car probably wasn’t a excellent choice, it’s already done and over with. If you are a SAHM, then the preeminent thing you can do is make a job and have money of your own to spend how you want.